The Art of the Speedo

Something very sad has been brought to my attention. Speedos all across the world are being abused!

I was watching that godawful show "Life on Mars" last night - why I did this, I really can't explain - this is the show about the cop who gets hit by a car and lands up in 1973 and can't figure out how to get back to 2008. Now if movie memory serves, I would think all he needs to do is get hit by a car AGAIN but anyway... I digress.

So I'm watching this horrendous TV show and all of the sudden I see a man running through the park trying to evade the cops - wearing a speedo. HOLD. THE. PHONE. My brain could not properly process this... I'm watching network television... I see a Speedo... where is my beloved USMOST?

The main problem I had with this is that after the Olympics my brain had mad the connection of "Speedo = beautiful man inside said Speedo." Thanks to Michael Phelps, Ryan Lochte and the other cuties of the USMOST I had forgotten that uglies frequently try their hand at Speedo-wearing. This man was NOT beautiful, nor was he in any shape to be wearing the spandex wonder.

Why must people do this?! The Speedo already has a bad reputation thanks to the fat, hairy old men who insist on wearing them - a stereotype the Olympic Swim team's abs have worked tirelessly to break. So again I ask WHY must the Speedo be abused by those who simply should not be wearing them?! I almost ripped my own eyes out when I realized Harvey Keitel was wearing a pair. That's right. HARVEY KEITEL. Oh hi, Harvey. Are you competing today? Is that why you're wearing them? Oh you're not? You're just trying to frighten the life out of me? Thought so.

I worry just a tad about how popular these things could possibly be. We all know that Ryan Lochte and Michael Phelps do ads for Speedo (aside from being walking well.. swimming billboards.) Actually, they do a lot. And some of the ladies like Natalie Coughlin and Katie Hoff do too. I hope the whole "if I get these I'll look like them!" idea behind advertising doesn't work because in this case... you won't! And if you're thinking "Hey! I'm just like Michael Phelps. I eat 10,000 calories a day" you need to pump the breaks and completely rethink this decision. Sure you'll be wearing the same swimsuit as them but, hate to break it to you, paying 30 bucks for it does not equal 4,000 laps or 5 hours of swimming time a day. They look the way they do for a reason and it's not the Speedo! Sure they look damn good in a pair but that's because they work out like animals so they can wear something that's skin tight and hella low - seriously ya'll I thought NBC was gonna have to blur out the goods or cut to commercial cause I was almost certain MP's junk was gonna make it to air any second during the Olympics. But anyway, these guys don't have to worry about lovehandles like the rest of us. The things are tight, bb and you're beer belly just ain't cuttin' it. Just because you have the means to buy a speedo, doesn't mean you should. I highly doubt that on your Long Island vacation you'll be doing any hardcore racing, so leave the Speedos at home. Hey, I'm sure Michael and Reezy don't wear those things to beach (although if I were ever lucky enough to be on the same beach as them I pray they would.) Leave it to the pros, kids!

In closing, I would just like to remind the men of this world that the wearing of the Speedo is a delicate art form and these men are artists! Once you've seen a Da Vinci, you simply cannot settle for a paint-by-number version of the Mona Lisa, ok?

Is there a reason why they're all greased up? Not that I mind. Also is there a reason why Reezy's speedos always look like he borrowed them from a little boy? Seriously they always look mad small on him! Again, NOT complaining because that's pretty much the greatest thing I've ever seen. I'm going to blaim it on his ghetto booty. That's a lot of ass to fit in a small suit.

On a lighter and lovelier note, right now Speedo has a really cute campaign going on called "Stop the Clock" that features none other than golden boy Michael Phelps (as well as some other swimmers like Stephanie Rice and Katie Hoff.) I guess the idea of it is "Hey! Our athletes aren't swimming machines! They have fun too!" and what do they do to have fun? Swim some more. But this time they're on a beach so I suppose that implies leisure. Yeah that makes sense. Personally, if I were stuck in a pool for hours and hours on end the last thing I would want to do on my vacation is swim. You would not find me anywhere near a pool. No hot tub, no beach. Water would be reserved for showers only - and I'm sure just the sound of the water coming down would freak me out. You'd find me in the hotel bar. I would just get absolutely wasted - no water products anywhere near me, just alcohol! Alcohol and candy. But again, I digress.

Unfortunately there's so sign of Reezy in the campaign but the pictures of Phelpsicle are so precious that you might not even care. Check out some pictures and video at speedo80.com. And thank the lord they are selling swim trunks. Your stomach still may never look anything like Phelps' but those trunks he's rockin' are much more forgiving on normal folks.